I've got to admit he's getting better

With apologies to Sgt. Pepper, I DO have to admit Carlin is getting better. I am not sure if he is your typical stand-up comedian anymore, though. Sometimes now it seems to me that he is preaching a sermon and throwing in a few jokes on the side.

That's okay though. He still makes me laugh really hard. One of the best from his recent albums is a part of his patented "things that people are saying that piss me off" routine. This is paraphrased, as I can't remember it verbatim. Another thing I hate is when people say 'It's the quiet ones you gotta watch.' Let me ask you something. If you're sitting in a bar, and one guy is sitting quietly at the bar reading a book, and another guy comes storming in with a gun shouting 'I'M GONNA KILL THE NEXT MOTHER FUCKER WHO COMES IN HERE!!!!', who you gonna watch?

Some of my other favorite Carlin routines (and these are paraphrased as well):

• Things you never hear: 'Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone.'
• Things you never see: 'Someone taking a shit while running at full speed.'; 'A big, tall, fat Chinese guy with red hair.'
• 'I wanna go to one of these NOW meetings, run in there and yell, "Which one of you cupcakes wanna come home with me, give me a blowjob, and fix me dinner?"'

The thing I admire most about Carlin is his ability to come back to center after going way the hell out in left field for ten minutes. I will be listening to his routines, thinking there is no way on earth he can go full circle and wrap this routine up into a nice little package. Well, sure enough, he does it. It is almost like good literature in a sense. You know he's gonna get there, he just sort of hides it from you until the end.

The Gist thinks that Robin Williams has the "most sophomoric humor I have ever heard." I don't necessarily agree with that. I think he is lightning quick and pretty clever. The Gist contends that he talks so fast, that you only THINK he is being clever. I don't know. Email your "I love Robin Williams and you're going to smoke a turd in hell for thinking differently" comments to the_gist@hotmail.com.

My choice, Richard Pryor, finished in a strong third. He was the man. No one could touch him. All of the comedians that came after him, who thought all you needed to do to be funny was curse, couldn't hold a candle to Pryor. Come to think of it, maybe you wouldn't want to hold a candle to Richard. No need for a repeat of history.

Rich was always funniest to me when he did his characters on stage. I will not do him the disservice of trying to repeat those here because you absolutely have to hear him do those routines to enjoy them fully. If you have never heard his stuff, I suggest some of his early albums. Believe me, if you are not easily offended, then his albums will make you laugh until you bleed.

I don't know about Kinison. I liked him when I was a kid, but I think that was more an extension of my youthful rebellion than anything else. Upon reflection, it seems to me he took a one-trick pony, screaming taboo jokes about God and Christianity, and turned them into a career. I am not saying that others haven't succeeded doing even less, but I don't know that his act makes him the fourth best stand-up ever.

I only know Cosby as Heathcliff Huxtable so I really have no opinion on him as a comedian. I had "Comedian" by Eddie Murphy on cassette and I absolutely demolished that tape I played it so much. To this day, I can still perform it with him, word for word. Had I not discovered Pryor, he would have easily gotten my vote, if only for sentiment's sake.

An unbelievable omission on my part, which a reader pointed out to me, was Dennis Miller. He is also on my short list of choices and I completely left him out!! I'm a dope and I apologize to anyone who would have voted for the acerbic Mr. Miller. The Off-White Album is another of my favorites. To atone for my grievous error, I will share some of my favorite Miller moments:

• "And these TV commercials. I mean, how stupid do they think we are? Softsoap in a dispenser...for messy children. You know, if your kid can't get bar soap together, do me a favor, hold him back a year alright? What is this 'Damien IV: The Shithead'? Come on, it's soap. Wet it, wipe it, good night. What do you need, a fucking schematic over here? It's not a detonator for Christ sakes, it's Camay."
• "I was watching ESPN today. They had women's gymnastics on. You know, I think I'm gonna be a little skeptical the next time a woman tells me I'm being too rough in bed. I'm watching these gals bang their cervix off a frozen theatre rope at eighty miles an hour. You don't see any men in that event, right? This is one medal the guys would have to pick up posthumously because the little gerbil's just not built for that stunt. You know, if I ever hit anything that hard with my dick, I'm gonna spot weld to it."
• "I fly. Flying has its own built-in limitations. Like the inevitable run-in with the Hare Krishna. Now I know, this is America, you can believe whatever you wanna believe, but come on. These guys aren't even in the ballpark. I know this isn't a real religion because it says right in the Bible that God created us in His own image and I just know He wouldn't wear His hair like that. When I think of God, I think of Barry Gibb, not Daddy Warbucks with a fucking slinky hanging off the side of his head."
• Hosting the MTV Video Awards: "We are all here tonight, a collective group under two absolute truths. The universal language of music and the fact that we all know that O.J. did it."

Okay enough funny stuff. Next poll asks who is the best superhero? Vote for who you would most like to be or who you think is the least cheesy.

Monday's poll will harken back to the days when parachute pants were cool and Hip Hop was called Rap. What was the best arcade game from the 80's? So turn up the collar on your Izod shirt and send your nominations in Gen-Xers. I guess you old fogeys may have played a few also so feel free to send yours in as well.

Comments and suggestions to lawdogusc@hotmail.com.

Poll Topic: Best Stand-Up Comedian
George Carlin	20% - (126 Votes)
Robin Williams	12.4% - (78 Votes)
Richard Pryor	10% - (63 Votes)
Sam Kinison	6.8% - (43 Votes)
Bill Cosby	6% - (38 Votes)
Eddie Murphy	4.9% - (31 Votes)
Steve Martin	4.6% - (29 Votes)
Lenny Bruce	3.9% - (25 Votes)
Steven Wright	3.8% - (24 Votes)
Bob Hope	3.3% - (21 Votes)
Billy Connelly	3.1% - (20 Votes)
Rodney Dangerfield	2.8% - (18 Votes)
Denis Leary	2.5% - (16 Votes)
George Burns	2.2% - (14 Votes)
Andy Kaufman	1.9% - (12 Votes)
Jonathan Winters	1.9% - (12 Votes)
Johnny Carson	1.5% - (10 Votes)
Chris Rock	1.4% - (9 Votes)
Jerry Seinfeld	1.4% - (9 Votes)
Don Rickles	1.2% - (8 Votes)
Paula Poundstone	0.7% - (5 Votes)
Ellen Degeneres	0.6% - (4 Votes)
Andrew Dice Clay	0.4% - (3 Votes)
Albert Brooks	0.4% - (3 Votes)
Redd Foxx	0.3% - (2 Votes)
Henny Youngman	0.1% - (1 Votes)
Tim Allen	0.1% - (1 Votes)
Bobcat Goldthwait	0.1% - (1 Votes)
Buddy Hackett	0.1% - (1 Votes)
Jay Leno	0% - (0 Votes)
Elayne Boosler	0% - (0 Votes)
Roseanne Barr	0% - (0 Votes)
Martin Mull	0% - (0 Votes)
Total Votes: 627